Final Words: “Behold your son…Behold
your mother….”
John 19: 25-27
March 8, 2015
Mark S. Bollwinkel
Age and dementia had done their
worst. Their mother could no longer
take care of herself. Two of the three
sisters lived in close proximity and decided that “our
mother will never end up in a nursing home”. The family could only afford 8 hours of “in-home”
care a day so the two sisters took turns caring for her the rest of the time. After three years they were exhausted, as
you can imagine. The third sister lived
and worked across the country. She
helped with the finances but was only able to visit during her vacations. The resentment between the three sisters
grew to the point of open conflict; “You never asked me or Mom if
she wanted to stay in the house no matter what it costs”;
“If you really loved our Mother you would move home
to help”; “All you think about is your
own needs, you’ve always been that way!”
So on
her vacation days the third sister flew home to care for her mother so that the
other sisters could get a break. The
one thing they all agreed upon was that they would no longer speak to each other. When the third sister entered the house the
other sisters were to leave out the back door so they wouldn’t see each
other.
The last thing in the world their mother would have ever
wanted was for her illness to divide her family.
Any of
these themes sound familiar? Noble and
unspoken assumptions, miscommunication, the projection of past hurts into the
present and the wounds of exhaustion and stress?
We
absolutely should praise God for the good and loving family members in our
lives whose nurture and sacrifice have formed us into the people we are
today. We absolutely can see God at
work in the love of good moms, dads, brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, even
cousins every now and then! If you were
blessed with a loving family thank God and never pass up the chance to say “I love you”.
And, let’s be honest. The life of all-too-many families are
anything but ideal. We live in a
society with a 50% divorce rate.
Families are complicated systems of human relationships where pain and
disappointment, often carried around for years, are all too common.
Statistically it is far more likely that murder, assault, rape and the sexual
molestation of minors will occur in the family unit than anywhere else in
society (Family Violence Prevention
Fund/endabuse.org).
The institution
of family represents our highest ideals: love, safety, self-sacrifice,
honor. And it can. And it should. The church can be a vital resource to help
our families thrive.
Some of Jesus’ teachings make us wonder how
he really felt about his family.
In Luke a young Jesus runs off from his mom and dad in
order to discuss theology with the elders (2:41-52). When Joseph and Mary realize that Jesus is
missing, they hurry back to find him three days later in the Temple of
Jerusalem. The boy is anything but
repentant for the anxiety and grief he has caused his parents. He responds to their concerns in amazement
that they didn’t know where he was all along,
“Didn’t you know that I had to be in
my Father’s house?” Even Jesus had the God-given right of
teenagers to scare their parents to death!
In the
gospel of Mark we hear, “Then Jesus’
mother and brothers arrived. They stood
outside the house and sent in a message asking for him. A crowd was sitting around Jesus, and they
said to him, ‘Look, your mother and your brothers and sisters are
outside, and they want you’. Jesus answered, ‘Who
is my mother? Who are my brothers?’ He looked at the people sitting around him
and said, ‘Look! Here
are my mothers and my brothers! Whoever
does the will of God is my brother, my sister, my mother”
(Mark 3:31-35).
In Matthew, what are we to make of these words of Jesus?:
“I came to set sons against
their fathers, daughters against their mothers…a man’s
worst enemies will be the members of his own family. Whoever loves his father or mother more than
me is not fit to be my disciple…” (Matthew 10:34-39)?
The literary technique of placing the new family of the
Christian community in contrast with the biological family is to exemplify that
the Christian community is not to be in the character of, nor will it be run
like, the patriarchal families of Jesus’ time.
Two thousand years ago the male head of household had
sole authority over the family unit. He
could divorce his wife with the mere repletion of a phrase. He could sell his children into slavery if he
so choose.
In contrast, the new family of Christ was not constituted
by blood or patriarchal relationships, rather by the free decision to join the
Christian movement. Those who responded
to Jesus’ call to join the reign of God on earth were his
brothers, sisters and mothers. There was
supposed to be no “father”,
no leadership position in terms of domination and subordination. There was only one Father, God, not a male
idol but the source of community.
Discipleship was based on an equality of the gospel’s
call to loving faith in action.
The intention of the gospel writers was not to condemn
human family but to propose the existence of a radically new family in the
Christian community. The Christian
family, the church, is intended to be a community of compassion, kindness,
patience, forgiveness and love in which the peace of Christ rules our hearts.
In our
scripture lesson this morning, while dying on the cross, Jesus provides for the
care of his mother by directing John the Beloved, his best friend, to take Mary
into his household. As the first born
male of his family it was Jesus’ responsibility to care for
his mother’s future welfare.
Knowing he was about to die he does just that. Scriptures tells us that Mary was a part of
the entourage that travelled with Jesus and the disciples throughout their
earthly ministry. She will be there
after his death as a member of the early church (Acts 1:14).
Jesus
not only provides for his mother but essentially adopts John the Beloved into
his family. In one of his last words
from the cross Jesus affirms the importance of family and its essential mission
as a community of loving care.
The
social and emotional programming we received in our family units dominate how
we see ourselves as adults and how we relate to others. The experts tell us that it is most likely
that we will raise our children as we were raised. We will frame our marriages more than likely
in the models of our own parents. If
that past was good, loving and graceful we can have a sure foundation on which
to build our own families and marriages.
If that past wasn’t
good, wasn’t
healthy and loving we have to consciously work to change our predispositions to
treat others the way we were treated.
If we want our families to thrive, consider those voices
in our past that still shape how we relate to friends and family. As powerful as the past may be it does not
have to determine our future. We are
free to choose how we will love and live with others.
These
last words of Jesus remind us that we find family in many places, not just
amongst our given relatives.
“Home is the place where, when
you have to go there, they have to take you in.” (Robert Frost)
We don’t get to pick our
families. We are born into a mix of
personalities and needs that may or may not be helpful. After 38 years of pastoral counseling I am
convinced that there is no such thing as “a perfect family”. There is dysfunction in the best of homes.
In our nation's debate about same gender marriage, I
grimace every time a politician suggests we need to return to "the
biblical foundations of family".
As much as the Bible in places lays out ideals of monogamy, parenthood
and family the realities of some of our heroes is anything but ideal.
Abraham, the patriarch of Israel, had children with
multiple wives and slaves. He “allowed”
his wife Sarai to be molested by Egyptian officials to save his own life (Genesis 12:10-20).
King David had more than 50 “official”
sons from at least eight wives, many more concubines; he abandoned his first
wife and arranged for the murder of a trusted solider to possess another. In the end some of his own sons tried to kill
him and take over his kingdom.
If we broaden the definition of “family”
to include any community of relationships committed to love and the health and
safety of its members, we will find family in many places outside of our given
surnames, cultural expectations and history.
The church should welcome and nurture all kinds of families not condemn
them if they don’t look like our own.
Jesus found his family to include all those seeking the
reign of love, peace and justice.
The apostle Paul finds this family and offers it to the
world in the church, the body of Christ, and a community in which "There
is no longer Jew or Greek, there is no longer slave or free, there is no longer
male and female; for all of you are one in Christ Jesus." (Galatians 3:28).
In our
scripture lesson this morning a best friend and a mother are watching Jesus
die. Yet we can know even in such a moment,
tragedy will not get the last word.
Even in the death of Jesus, God is luring us to hope and possibility
beyond our dreams.
There
may not be any such thing as “the
perfect family” but
our homes and marriages can be places of great love and joy. I you’ve
been blessed with one celebrate that! If we need help with that, your Christian
family can and should be a place of nurture and hope as well.
Do you remember the story of Ruth and Naomi in the Old
Testament? A Hebrew family from
Bethlehem in Judah immigrates to neighboring Moab where they start a family;
the father of the family, and then his two sons, die, leaving Naomi and her two
daughters-in-law, Orpah and Ruth to fend for themselves. To survive Naomi returns home but implores
her two daughters-in-law to remain in Moab in hopes of finding husbands among
their own people. Orpah does but out of
her great love for the aging Naomi, Ruth insists on re-settling in a foreign
land. There Naomi’s
kinsman Boaz falls in love with Ruth and they live happily ever after, bearing
son Obed, who will bear Jesse, who will bear David who will become the greatest
king/messiah in Israel’s history. Jesus son of Joseph is born in the lineage
of this family in their ancestral home town, Bethlehem. Ruth is the distant grandmother of Jesus.
The Book
of Ruth is a fabulous story of a family with honor and integrity and
faith. I wanted to name my first son “Boaz”
but Bonnie vetoed the idea; I guess Boaz Bollwinkel would have been
problematic!
A caring and loving family can be the place we grow
through out faults, heal our wounds and receive second chances again and
again. Kind of like the church.
Jesus wanted this for his mother and friend. How much more so for each of us?
Amen.
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