Fruit of the Spirit: Self-Control

James 3:5b-10

 February 1, 2015

Mark S. Bollwinkel

 

We've been looking at a scripture lesson in Paul's letter to the church in Galatia and suggesting they are tools for faithful living. The apostle calls them "the fruits of the spirit"; "...love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, generosity, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control..." (5:22-23). The Holy Spirit is at work when we live by these fruits.  They are outcomes of a life open to and in touch with the spirit of a loving God.  Today we’ll consider self-control.

There would be many areas in our lives which could be improved with self-control.  For the apostle Paul self-control regarding our emotions, our habits and our morality had everything to do with our spirituality. 

The writer of the Letter of James had the same thoughts when writing our verse for today, specifically as he addressed how we speak to and about each other; "...the tongue is a fire...with it we can bless or curse. Brothers and sisters we ought not to do this..."   In the Sermon on the Mount Jesus says "...not to insult another in anger (Matthew 5:21-22)...” Jesus says ”...Let your 'yes' be 'yes' and your 'no' be 'no'...” (Matthew 5:37) and he says "...do not judge one another lest you be judged the same way...” (Matthew 7:1-2).  How we talk to and about each other has everything to do with our spirituality.

 

“Triangulation” is a psychological term for a common communications pattern where by we avoid conflicts, get involved with other people’s problems and often make matters worse. Person A will talk about person B’s issues, feelings and conflicts with any Person C they can find.   Like a triangle.   It happens at work, at school and in families.  It happens at church.  If we find ourselves willing and eager to talk about a problem with everybody else but the person we are having a problem, that’s triangulation.   It’s easier, more comfortable and in many situations a way to make a new friend rather than the difficult, uncomfortable and at times painful way of talking directly with the person with whom we are in conflict and actually working out the problem.  

Triangulation is at the heart of gossip and rumor.  It’s when we talk to anybody but the person or people who actually knows what’s going on.  With rumor and gossip we make up all sorts of conclusions and assumptions based on impartial information and third-hand input.   Rumor and gossip is a common way of sharing friendship and intimacy. Criticizing, judging and laughing at people behind their backs may be fun.  It certainly is easier than actually talking directly to the person with whom you have concerns.   But in the end such communication destroys relationships.   It demeans another.  It ultimately demeans you as the kind of person willing to hurt another for all the wrong reasons.

 

In Nigeria the United Nations World Health Organization had to suspend polio vaccinations for one year to deal with a rumor.   Thousands of people had refused to be vaccinated against polio due to a persistent rumor that the three drops of medicine taken orally would cause sterility in women.  It was rumored to be a Western plot to decrease the Muslim populations of Africa.  (PBS, 8/24/09)  We’ve all been watching the news about the measles outbreak originating in children whose parents refuse vaccinations based on hearsay and rumor.  

To avoid triangulation, when person A comes to talk to you about person B don’t become person C.  Listen with compassion and patience but don’t offer opinion, advice or criticism.  If you feel yourself being dragged into a conflict or encouraged to take sides, don’t!   Say with love and care, “…you need to talk to person B yourself…you need to work it out directly with person B…it won’t help anybody if I get involved, you can do it...”   This is especially true in families and about marriages.  

Jesus teaches that if we have a problem with another person we are to go to them and try to work it out.   He goes on to say that if direct communication doesn’t work to reconcile you to another it’s OK to bring along a trusted person to help (Matthew 18:15-20).  At work that might mean if you can’t work out a problem with a co-worker to ask a trusted manager to sit in with you as you try again; or at school a trusted teacher or counselor; for at home or in a marriage a therapist or pastor.

If you find yourself listening to gossip and rumor, again with compassion and patience, refuse to be a part of it by passing it on or adding to the speculation.  If the topic that is brought up concerns you encourage the speakers to check it out for themselves directly.  If the subject matters to you check it out directly yourself before pronouncing judgment and criticism.

This may seem like common sense, an issue not worthy of pulpit attention but as a pastor I can tell you how we talk to and about each other really, really matters at work, at home, at school and in the church. If we would only talk to each other more than about each other!   And our scriptures would suggest that it is at heart a spiritual matter.  In the end, how we treat each other is how we treat God.

Do you recall these names which were in the media a few years ago?   Megan Taylor Meier (age 13) of Missouri, Ryan Patrick Hallegin (age 14) and Alexis Pilkington (age 17) both of New York?  All killed themselves as a response to Cyberbullying.  Cyberbullying is the use of digital communication devices and media to shame, intimidate and ridicule another.  Since 2004, 20.8% of school aged children reported bullying incidents at school, 40.6% reported bullying behavior on-line (Cyberbullying Research Center). 

How many families are divided and estranged because of something hurtful that was said and passed along, sometimes years ago?  How many friendships have ended or never begun because of thoughtless and petty words?  Words can be a “forest fire” indeed wreaking havoc in their path.

As we take Holy Communion together this morning it’s an opportunity to remember God's love and grace for each one of us.  It’s also a moment to ask forgiveness, receive pardon and begin anew.  As we come to the Lord's Table this morning, maybe there will be a prayer in your heart…and certainly in mine…asking God to forgive an unkind word once spoken, a relationship damaged as a result and the commitment to speak with compassion to and of all others.

As my Aunt Betty would always say as my brother Paul and I yelled at each other as kids, "...if you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all..."   For our personal relationships all it takes is a little self-control.

 

Amen.